Naked on Sharp Pointy Stuff

Yeah. This is my gym. Enough said.

I'm the first to admit I'm a living, running, breathing gym fail and I'm OK with that. Most of the time I end up laughing at myself for something stupid I just did (like when I was stretching between reps of back squats and somehow managed to hit my head on the squat rack. Who does that?) But even with all my stupidity and lack of grace I try to stay focused with my gym workovers so I can get in and out of there. But, sometimes that's hard to do because of... well... people.

Really. People.

I know I'm not one to talk. Hell, I've had my fair share of being the annoying person (dude who I almost kicked in the head doing pullups would probably agree), but I think we can all share the burden here. So if you really want to piss me off in the gym here are a few guidelines. WARNING: Petty post and rant ahead.

Make snarky comments about my minimal shoes. Even better, make sure you tell me that Vans are inappropriate for weightlifting when you've never lifted more than a five pound pink dumbell in your life.
Take four sets of dumbells and hoard them for a thirty minute circuit workout. Even better, tell everyone you'll be done with them in about five minutes.
Sit your ass down on the rower and text your best friend. Better yet, text your best friend who's using the elliptical thirty feet away from you. Be sure to move like you're actually rowing but very weakly and with your legs only.
Be very fragrant. Better yet, spray yourself down with your Moringa Body Mist while on your gym mat so everyone after you gets to smell your delicious B.O./perfume combo now embedded in the mat.
Wear rhinestones and sequins on your ass so I have to look at it. Even better, make sure they spell out the word "Juicy."
Creep and stare at me in the mirror while I'm doing back squats. Better yet, get out your iphone and pretend to be checking your music while taking a picture of my sweaty ass. Then laugh with your frat brothers about it.
Try and start up a casual conversation while I'm in the middle of doing 500 jumping jacks. Even better, say something like "You're crazy. No one needs to do 500." Um. I do so get the hell out of my face.
Use the plyometric boxes as your own personal storage bench while doing situps. Better yet, sit on the box in your juicy sequined yoga pants and chat with your girlfriends while you're waiting for Zumba.
Don't ask whether I'm using that 30 inch box for box jumps after I've just carried it halfway across the gym. Just move it wherever you want and start jumping.
Pick the TRX rings right next to me to do your aussie pullups when there's a whole roomful of rings to choose from. Even better, creepily check out your wicked biceps while you're doing your pullups right next to me. Yeah. That's impressive.

My coach is planning on opening his own gym (The Ranch Athletics) early next year and I will be making the switch. Its going to be a whole different kind of gym with little to bitch about except maybe the workovers themselves. I might actually miss those annoying gym people. On second thought... maybe not.

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My rented room in Sheffield England

When I was 24 I moved to Sheffield England. My plan was to attend Sheffield Hallam University Art School as part of an "exchange program" through my college. I use quotes here because this "exchange program" was loosely structured and not really sanctioned by the college itself, but instead informally organized through a mutual agreement between two professors in two different countries. The airfare was expensive and cost me around $800 roundtrip but lucky for me I had smartly invested a small amount of money in my very first mutual fund during my last year of high school and its dividends were just enough to get me overseas. Barely.

I had left a relationship back home which was starting to go sour. Very sour. Leaving the country was an ideal out for me and probably the best decision I have ever made in my life. But it was scary. I had never travelled solo before and although I had the support of one of the university professors to pick me up from the Manchester airport and give me a place to stay for a couple nights I was completely on my own.

Me. 20 years younger.

My agenda while I was there was to do and see things that I had only imagined in my dreams - visit historic castles, ancient stone circles, and world renowned art museums. And somehow get myself to France, Spain and the Greek Islands where I could tangibly experience the art history from my textbooks or any real history for that matter in person.

These minimal cash endeavors required creative traveling techniques: sleeping on beaches, in chicken infested campsites and on ferry life jacket boxes in lieu of even the cheapest of hotels. In order to afford the travel I remember eating little else but baguettes and cheese for ten days. I traveled by foot as much as possible suffering from huge blisters on my feet in Greece. My only possessions were a small school backpack and a sleeping bag. I washed my clothes in sinks, streams, and fountains. To say I was a minimal traveller would have been an understatement.

But to take the leap to travel on my own scared the shit out of me. I heard horror stories of single women travellers being attacked, raped or stranded. I knew at some point I would encounter uncomfortable situations and possible challenges and I had to be OK with that.

My friends from Sheffield outside The Grindleford Cafe

Despite this, my desire for adventure won. I had an opportunity to see and do things many of my peers would never be able to do. I had the opportunity to learn about my true independence and the depths of my capabilities. I had no idea I would learn so much about myself by getting lost, being hungry and feeling completely abandoned in a foreign place. I was never attacked. I was never raped. I did get stranded on the island of Paros when the atms and banks were shut down for a few days and there were no catamarans leaving the island. I didn't starve. I didn't die. I took a few extra days to see more of the island I would otherwise not have seen.

“ The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be... because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap!

~ Mary Ann Radmacher

So it seems fear alone is never a good enough reason not to do something.

I write about this now because I'm in a place today where I stand challenged. Its a similar situation in which the adventure of life is luring me in. I have opportunities to learn about myself and the person I'm becoming. I'm learning that growth doesn't stop at twenty-five or thirty or even fourty. I'm still growing. Mentally. Spiritually. Emotionally.

In nature, it seems that everything is either in the process of growing or dying. As long as I am alive I will continue to grow.

I will not use age as an excuse to give up on personal exploration and transformation. As human beings I believe the person we are today is different than our self of yesterday and we will be a new person tomorrow.

We can choose to explore our potential or ignore it.

So where am I going with all this?

I've made a decision about my 100 miler. Its neither going to be the Rio Del Lago or the Cool Moon. I've decided to run the most epic of epic races for me. The Pine to Palm 100 Mile Endurance Run. A remote and rugged point to point course traversing the Siskiyou Mountains Range in Southern Oregon taking place sometime in September 2013.

I decided I didn't want to run my first 100 in my own backyard. I need a race that will challenge me, inspire me, move me, and leave me with no questions of what I'm capable of. I have a feeling I will have no doubt what my potential is after a race like this. This will be the hardest race I've ever signed up for. Climbing three peaks and rated only slightly harder than The Western States and Tahoe Rim 100 by RealEndurance.com this race will be my benchmark. I will either not make the cutoff, die trying, or finish. I've ran some hilly courses in my life, but nothing like this. This will be my most challenging of races by far.

BY. FAR.

In a way I'm kind of done with being afraid. I need something big to test myself with and this could be it. That is, unless I finish thiswith more questions and decide I've just gotta try Badwater. Oh yeah. Right. Somehow, I don't think that's gonna happen.

So I'm waiting patiently for registration to open for the upcoming year. I'm still wrapping my head around this one, but I'm not afraid anymore and I'm ready to try.

PINE TO PALM 100 MILE ENDURANCE RUN

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California Super Storm

Its now officially all of a sudden winter here in California and there's going to be a deluge of weather in the next ten days. So I, being the sane and sensible person that I am < insert sarcastic voice here> decided to do something very reasonable. I decided to help sweep the marathon portion of the North Face Endurance Challenge Championship in Marin this weekend. I did that. I seem to be getting good at doing stupid things.

"But why is this so stupid, Krista?" you ask.

Because it just so happens that this weekend (and probably for the next ten days) we are under extreme weather alert. Its our little mini west coast version of hurricane Sandy. We like to call it a Storm Siege California or California Super Storm. You know. Whatever makes it sound like California is going to fall off the edge of the continent at any moment will describe this storm perfectly. And no Super Storm would be complete without catastrophic activity like "Widespread Flooding," "Mudslides," "Damaging Winds," and "High Avalanche Danger."

So I'm driving about two and a half hours to get to the coast so I can volunteer to run for 20 miles in the downpour. On steep muddy hills. Ahhhh... brings back memories of Rodeo Valley last Spring. The Northface Endurance Challenge takes place on the same trail. At least I know what I'm in for. Ugggh.

Deep mud. Impossible to run on. Nearly impossible to walk in.

When I last spoke to the Race Director this morning there didn't seem to be any indication that the event would be cancelled and I'm not one to bail on my responsibilities especially when it sounds like other volunteers are bailing. So... onward!!! Into the elements it is!!!

Stupid girl.

So I'm trying to strategize my running wardrobe for the weekend. I will have to suffice with running tights, a performance shirt, rain jacket and billed hat to keep the rain out of my face (my jacket hood is useless since the pull cord to tighten it is broken). I'm torn with wearing my rain jacket since hill climbing makes me hot. Weather like this always makes me wonder why we even wear clothes at all. My skin is better at wicking away moisture than performance wear. I suppose if this were a Super Storm in Hawaii I might consider less clothing, but its going to be a tad chilly on the mainland.

And since I'm sweeping (I've never swept a race before) I'm figuring I should be self supported since people will probably be closing up aid early due to the weather. With that, I will be lugging my hydration pack along as well. At the very least its another layer that could keep me dry.

So I'll consider this part of my training for foul weather. When else am I going to get to experiment with this shit?

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Coastal Trail North Face Endurance Challenge

I didn't do the Merrell Mud Run this year, but I got my fill of mud sweeping a portion of the marathon distance at the North Face Challenge in San Francisco recently. The trails were ridiculous. And when I say ridiculous I mean insanely un-runnable. But the front runners in the marathon were ahead of their projected pace times which could only mean one thing. They were using the mud to their advantage on the steep descents and probably sliding down parts of that trail on their butts. It was THAT muddy. They all had muddy asses so that was my best conclusion (hey... its hard not to look. They were some nice asses) and it was hard to escape not falling on your ass in a race like this.

Talk about a logistical nightmare. The two day race which was to include a 50 mile, 50k, marathon and marathon relay on Saturday and a half marathon and 10k on Sunday was nutty and chaotic. The 50 miler had to be rerouted onto the 50k and marathon course due to extreme weather conditions.

When I arrived to check in at my starting point it was drizzling and the front runners hadn't come in yet. Aid station volunteers were trying to adjust to the reroute instructions as best they could sending 50kers one way, marathon runners another way and 50 milers back onto the new rerouted looped course with everyone else. No one was marking how many laps the 50 milers had done by what I could tell.

With as much chaos that was happening I was impressed with how well the volunteers were holding it together. Yeah. They screwed up a few times sending runners the wrong way, but in the hour I was there I didn't see anyone getting upset, freaking out or getting pissed off for the mistakes. Volunteers were sincerely apologetic and the racers seemed to accept that there would be a few kinks. This race was pretty difficult to begin with and with the added inclement weather and confusion it seemed the racers were embracing the extra challenge. I was impressed by that. It seemed everyone I talked to was in good spirits and enjoying themselves.

Including the last marathon runner I was sweeping. Apparently she was an endurance walker who had signed up to walk the marathon distance. I had no idea there would be "walkers" along the course, but I was happy to hear that the race director had assured her a spot. I think he gave her fair warning of the level of difficulty because apparently she considered dropping to the half marathon distance but decided to stick with the Saturday marathon instead. Which was a good decision considering the Sunday races were inevitably cancelled and the trails were shut down due to mudslide danger.

I'm not aware of proper sweeper etiquette. This was my first time sweeping a course. Can I catch up with the last runner or should I stay a designated distance behind her? Am I just stalking her or can I introduce myself? I started out running (with radio in hand) because I was just happy to be on course, but as soon as I realized my last runner was walking and stopping pretty often I caught up to her to check on how she was doing and chat a bit. I thought she should know why I was following her every move. Turns out she was a little freaked out by the last sweeper who stayed about 50 feet behind her and was stopping whenever she stopped.

Amazingly enough the weather held out for the entire time I was on the trail. The woman walker and I pretty much chattered all the way to the Muir Beach aid station where she was pulled from the race due to cutoff times. There was just no way she would be able to make it back to finish before it got dark and according to the race director that part of the trail was worse than the one we had just come in on. Really? How could it possibly be worse than this?

This deep shoe sucking mud looked strangely familiar.

And I was fairly clean. I managed not to fall. Much.

Apparently it was.

The chatter on the radio indicated that there were more DNFs than expected but only a handful of medic help needed due to falls. That was good. And since this was a championship race it was apparent the race director and coordinators were trying to make sure that all runners were running fair course distances and making up distances if they were sent the wrong direction. There was a ton of back and forth about where to send runners and more talk about the extreme weather ahead. I tried to stay off the radio as much as I could while there was serious problem solving going on.

After my runner got pulled from the course the consensus was that the 50 mile sweeps would also sweep any marathon stragglers who were probably close to finishing by the time we arrived at the aid station cutoff. I was given the option to run back (I had a headlamp if I needed it) or take a shuttle. I opted for the shuttle. Had it been a clear and not so muddy I would have finished out the course for the full 17 miles. It was treacherously muddy and steep in some parts. Think mud pit muddy. I needed my bikini.

As a sweep it was my duty to check myself and the last runner into each aid station that we arrived at. It wasn't until I was on my way back to race start via shuttle that I suddenly realized I had failed to check myself and my runner into the last aid station where she was pulled from the course. I had called the main "dude" on the radio coming into the aid station but was never given the go ahead with my call to continue and then promptly forgot about following up once we arrived. Luckily the aid station volunteers there were looking out for us and reporting in that we had arrived and the runner was pulled.

The day went by quickly. It was a long drive out to the coast to help out. I completed my job and got the hell outa there before the next onslaught of weather cracked wide open. I was hoping to at least get a good run in and meet a few folks while I was there, but my time was limited if I was to get back before the storm.

So the day was good. Not as good as I was hoping, but it was nice to hike the Marin Headlands at least. Even if it was in 2 feet of mud. If anything, I think I would like to volunteer my time at more races, now. I think helping out at Western States would be fun. I'm going to look into that.
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I did something I've never done before. No…I didn't wear mom jeans and a tube top in public or try to freestyle rap in the grocery store. Loudly. And I did NOT buy that vibrator at a garage sale. It's pretty safe to say I would never do any of those things. EVER. But since I never say "never" I retract that statement for superstitious reasons. Still, I did something I've been hesitant to do and honestly a little afraid to try for a long time now.

What is it?

I ran on a treadmill.

With my coordination I'm lucky I'm still alive.

The recent rains made our trails obscenely muddyand last week I hadlimited time to squeeze in a trail run AND go to the grocery store so I consulted the devil (you know? The one on your shoulder that pokes his little pitchfork in your ear...) and he said that I should definitely try the treadmill. He said the treadmill would keep my shoes clean AND would make all of my running fantasies come true. The devil can be quite a persuasive fellow you know.

So I ran on the dark side for 45 minutes.

And guess what?

It sucked.

Normally, I just need trees and dirt to be happy running, but THIS required something spectacular to power through the eternal agony. There were no fantasies involved on this treadmill. There were no hot glistening men manifesting out of nowhere. There were no beautiful women to gawk at in front of me. There were no 7 minute miles of running fiyah found. But I learned some stuff. Here are my observations:

There are lots of blinky lights and buttons - Next time, (if there is ever to be a next time) I will bring a towel to cover all the blinky lights. It distracted me from running.
I had WAY too much information in front of me - like how long, how far and how fast I had been running. I didn't really give a shit about all that but I couldn't keep myself from reading it. I swear reading all that information just made me more tired.
My finger should never be used to speed up my legs - Seriously. Anytime I wanted to kick it up a notch and start running faster I had to push a button. WITH MY FINGER. WTF? I should just be able to run faster. With my legs.
Treadmill doesn't even compare to trail - I don't like to run without trees and dirt. Period. How can people truly enjoy this?
I was afraid to sprint - for fear that I wouldn't be able to slow down fast enough when my legs fatigued and I started tripping over myself. Cuz I do that in real life. Trip over myself when I run fast. Trust me. Its quite a spectacle. Though, I'm sure it would have provided endless entertainment at the gymon the treadmill.
Never look anywhere but forward - I looked over to the right when a friend passed by and waved at me. I nearly fell on my face.
Treadmill running is good mental training - I felt like a caged hamster on a track wheel. There was absolutely nothing to look at. It made me insane. It also made the time go by REALLY slow. I only ran for 45 minutes at a 9:30 pace but it took every inch of mental strength I had to stay on and not stop.
Stopping the treadmill was a trip - I swear the damn thing was still moving.
Getting off the treadmill was even trippier - It was like my legs weren't even attached to my body. I felt like I took the red pill.
Apparently, you can get a good run in on the treadmill - a good, steady, long, boring run.

I really enjoy running, but I had no idea that something I love could suck so bad. I see the treadmill as only a means to an end whereas trail running for me is the journey itself. Who gives a fuck where I end up so long as I find my fiyah and have fun. I know there will be times I will have to buck up and use it, but I hope to make the treadmill a rare training tool in my future.

My winter waxing break.

Now that it's winter my legs and arms will not see the light of day muchwhich can only mean one thing: hairy legs and pits and a bikini line that closely resembles the Tahoe National Forest.

Yeah. If I let myself go I can be that hairy.

I try not to, but hey, it happens sometimes.

[ By the way, if you are squeamish about things that cause bodily pain or horrific details of childbirthhere's your out because cute puppies never fail to soften the blow of my way toohonest posts. ]

I'm lucky since a lot of my body hair is blondish. So instead of looking like a gorrilla I'm more of a blonde yeti. But it's still there and annoying as hell. For as much as I lean in the liberal direction on the political scale, I hate being hairy and I do not embrace my inner hippy in this respect. Sorry. At least I've chosen to epilate and wax for environmental reasons which IS embracing my inner hippy so I consider that close enough.

So while I was waxing and epilating the other week I became aware of something that both disturbed and delighted me. I couldn't help but notice that I've grown accustomed to the pain. In fact, I can honestly say that ripping a 2x2 inch patch of pit hair is oddly satisfying. There's a wicked relief in feeling the strays being torn follicle deep from my body.

If you're unfamiliar with epilating, its basically a small device (probably invented by Satan, you know... the same dude who invented the treadmill) which is very similar to a shaver but instead of blades it has a zillion tiny tweezers that rotate and grab each hair and rip them out from the root. Trust me. The first time you use this little electric sadistic motherfucker you will quickly and forcefully become acquainted with copious amounts of stinging torment.

Ahhhh. "The rippin' and the tearin'."

(Tangent warning: that phrase above is a reference to the fabulously immoral and very offensive game Cards Against Humanity. If your friends are geeky and inappropriate this game should entertain you for hours. Sadly, my friends and I all share the same disturbing sense of humor. I will say this about this game: Play at your own risk and don't cry about losing your inner moral compass. Its just a game.)

But offensive card game tangent aside, should you decide to take on this tortuous challenge of epilating or waxing you should at the very least expect the unexpected. You might scream. You might cry. You might plead mercy to some random god of pain that has tweezers for fingers, or you might plead to Satan himself, the inventor, or if you're anything like me you'll mutter between the teeth obscenities you never thought you had it in you to say out loud. If you do end up feeling the need to let go of an obscenity or two, do it. It's actually good for you according to a recent study on pain and swearing. But go easy. Apparently you can desensitize your potty mouth. Make it count.

I think my husband found me cussing curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor the first time I waxed my own bikini line.

But it gets easier and less painful every time.

Kinda like an ultra.

Your body starts to adjust to the level of pain. Its still painful. I still wince and cuss. But its kinda like my body expects it and prepares for it. Even when I get more adventurous and decide to wax further and further into denser territories (I have yet to wax the full kitty, I prefer a minimal amount of landscaping down there to keep chafing to a minimum while running) it still hurts - sometimes pretty bad - but I've toughened up to it. A lot.

You know what else hurts?

Menstrual cramps.

And childbirth.

Yup.

And laboring sans drugs with a baby who is sunny-side up in your womb. That's pretty damn painful. And so is splitting wide open hole to hole when that baby finally decides to pull his elbows in from behind your pelvis and pop out of your vagina like the very last squeeze from a ketchup bottle.

And so is the feeling of being stitched up 1 inch deep layer after layer afterward.

And don't get me started on the pain from the first poop after delivery. Still with those stitches in tact. Ow.

I won't apologize for those visuals. Man up. You chose to read it and I did warn you.

But labor and delivery wasn't as bad the second time around. It was still painful. Ok. I'll admit it. I took the epidural eventually. I was so miserably sick that I literally coughed myself into labor. I wanted some relief and the epidural made for a fine cough suppressant. Before I got the epidural I was having some pretty severe contractions but it was like my body and brain knew what to expect and it just dealt. It was hard... yeah... but not insurmountable.

Women know pain. Mothers know even more pain. We have had to endure many different forms of it. From menstrual cramps, to lactation let-down, pregnancy and childbirth, not to mention all the pain we endure from stepping on legos in the hallway in the middle of the night or our hair being pulled by the tiny, clenched, drooly fists of a 6 month old. Holy crap do we know pain.

Will there ever be an ultra that will be as hard as labor and delivery or nursing barracuda babies? I can't imagine anything being that painful. Honestly. I learned a lot about pain through giving birth and nursing. I learned that I can be pushed to extreme pain (the kind where you feel like you are literally going mad), power through it and come out the other side in tact. Well at least held together with a few stitches anyway.

So this makes me wonder... do women have an advantage in sports that require us to endure pain and discomfort such as ultra running? Because I can tell you that I now have a benchmark of what level of pain I can endure and it's not sissy pain. Hell no. On the smiley face scale (you know the one on all the walls of the labor and delivery rooms) my level is the one with the angry face bitch slapping all the sad faces cuz they don't know REAL pain.

Considering all we have to endure in life are women tougher than men when it comes to pain? Do we have a higher pain threshold or do we just have better coping mechanisms?

After doing a little bit of lazy person's research (20 minutes of googling later...) there are actually some studies that show women have the ability to cope with pain better than men. Check out this totally random and unscientific Myth Busters episode. But, while women may possess the ability to buck up to pain they may feel pain more intensely than men.

Studies on pain can be, well, a bit of a pain, though, because not only is pain subjective, but its hard to know whether women are just more likely to report having pain while men are trying to keep a tough facade. Also, the type of pain may be important. According to some research women tend to be less tolerant of acute pain and better able to cope with chronic pain than men. OK. I could buy that.

But I also believe that previous experience with pain can influence how we perceive pain in the future. I believe all my experiences combined have made me more tolerant to pain in general and better able to cope with it.

And in a weird way, I embrace it. Its a physical reminder that I'm vibrant with life and it fills a space of intermittent numbness sometimes. It gives me focus.

There's a strange and quiet solace in the center of pain if you can focus on it, which is hard to do because the center of pain always seems to be moving. There is no other time that I am more present than when I am feeling pain.I know that sounds crazy and disturbing, but its true. To me, pain (of any form physical or emotional) is a gift, albeit a crappy one at times, but it sure makes me appreciate my health and happiness on a whole different level. Sometimes we need low points to make the high points stand out. I don't want to live life in a dream-like, painless, happy state. If we never feel pain how do we know we are truly alive?

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"Reading"

I'm definitely not your typical mommy blogger. I don't wax gushingly about how blessed my life is or how perfect my children are (most days I want to contact their creator's customer service number and ask if I can return them.) I don't provide daily inspiration for you to get off your ass and do something amazing. Hell, I don't really give a shit if you wanna sit in front of the TV watching endless episodes of The Bachelor while eating bags of chemically altered orange powdered tortilla chips. I don't sew or knit vomitously (I know. Not a word. It is now.) cute little Christmas dolls. Well... actually I'm a damn good seamstress... I just don't brag about it. Ha! And I don't provide you with those perfect little party food ideas - although I'll show you how to sneak a cocktail or two into your race day water bottle. *wink*

Nope. I prefer to be a little more... me. Which can be unkempt and disorganized, irreverently sweet, short, confused, ineptly sexy, artistically inspired, blunt, geeky and lately just a little depressed. I'm a bit of a mixed bag of confusion personality-wise. I confuse my husband on a daily basis. Right now he's wondering who is this neurotic woman and what the hell did she do with his wife. That's what happens when I get bored with myself and have to reinvent a new Krista every five years just to shake things up a bit. Its scares people. Hell it scares me.

But enough about me... for now.

Consider this post my mommy blogger post. There are a few items I wanted to blog about because they're pretty cool. Sometimes I want to share the love throughout my barefoot/minimal running community because, well... frankly, some of these people are really awesome and I really like their stuff. They didn't ask me to do this. I wanted to.

I was sent a fabulous children's book, What Should I Put On My Feet To Go Run (written by fellow barefoot runner and blogger John McClung (Barefoot in Arizona) and thought I would share. I realize that many of my readers have small children and if you run or live the barefoot lifestyle you will love this book! By the way, my little dude was mad at me for asking him to "read" the book for the pic. Um. He's in kindergarten and doesn't really "read" yet so... I got the bad mama award for asking him to do something so ridiculous. At any rate, here's an excerpt from my favorite page:

"No, silly bear – listen to me, please:
To go run around you don't need galoshes or skis.

You just need some feet and some fur in the breeze
And some grass and some sunlight and maybe some trees.

For a bear's foot should be barefoot; it's really the best way
For a bear to run around on a honey-sunny day."

I've read this book quite a few times to my children. My oldest is growing out of "being read to" since he reads on his own now, but my youngest is just starting to read and still loves to snuggle up with mama to listen to a book every now and then.

The writing has a rhythmic lilt to it and is fun to read and I love the play on the words bare feet and bear's feet. Just so cute!! If you have a stack of shoes in your closet and still run barefoot you will appreciate this story and the little one's will really enjoy it.

And while I realize some people's kids never need to put shoes on, mine actually do. Mostly for school or when its cold outside. And while the velcro or slip on Vans or Chuck Taylors are my favorite choice for the kids I know that they really need to learn to actually tie their shoes. I have known a handful of adults in my life who never learned to tie their shoes. WTF? Seriously? Didn't your mama teach you? And if you're a shod runner and never learned to tie your shoes you are so hosed in a race. Who wants to stop every fifty feet just to tighten your "bunny ears." Man the fuck up and learn how to tie a shoe like a mature adult and not a kindergartner! Your kid will thank you when you're in charge of helping him prepare for his first soccer game.

Easy Tie Laces

Here's a clever idea to help you and your kid with that. Easy Tie Laces. Scott Davis of LaceWorks was kind enough to send me a pair to try. OK. To be honest my kid has only worn these shoes maybe four times and shows absolutely NO interest in learning to tie his laces right now, BUT, the laces did get the solid stamp of approval from him since he really liked the colors. So +1 for that!! He got as far as making the X and pulling the laces and then he was distracted by the dog licking something delicious on the floor so that was the end of that. I'm not pushing him on it or he may end up like the handful of dads I know who have no clue how to correctly tie their own shoe. So this is a work-in-progress. I have a feeling when he's ready and interested these laces will be super helpful. I love the idea though and since I started this post my son now wants to wear these shoes again. Maybe we're getting close!

So there you go. Some cool products made by some pretty cool people. And they're practical too! And speaking of practical, keep your eyes peeled for a future giveaway post. After a super long and chatty phone call to the guys at Hoo-rag (those dudes are really cool people to talk to) they sent me a bunch of running buffs to give away to my readers. I'll keep you posted on that... just keep reading, my friends.

I hope everyone had a great holiday and y'all got your first run of the year on the books already!
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The perfect snot factory hat!

To say the holidays sucked would be an understatement. I was down for the count for six whole days starting the friday before Christmas. A relentless fever, splitting headache, piercing cough and a whole bagful of personal emotional shit that I'm not prepared to go into detail about.

I was registered to run an ultra Fat Ass the weekend after New Years so I did. And I didn't. I only ran 15 miles of it because, well, it sucked too. Literally. In more ways than one. I wasn't fully recovered from the plague" (as some of my facebook buds are calling it) and most of the trail was a muddy mess either by the mud itself or by my snot rocket factory. I was glad Alex, my running partner, tolerated my incessantly emptying my sinus cavity every ten feet.

So... ridiculous mud again. WTF? I have a knack for picking the muddiest runs over the last couple months. I guess that's what I get for not actually registering for the Merrell Down and Dirty last year. The running gods want me good and caked in the muckiest of earth. Normally, I don't mind mud, but it seems that every run I've done since November (including the few training runs I've done) have had endless amounts of it. This puts wear and tear on my shoes. In fact, I was so desperate for a non-muddy pair of shoes to run in recently that I threw my Pace Gloves in the wash and dry. ACCHHH!! I think I may have shrunk them! They are currently being stretched back out by a pair of sturdy wool socks. Right now I'm crossing my fingers they'll return to close to normal. We'll see.

Uggh.

So with my motivation gone and my emotional and physical state deteriorating I still managed to do the crazy and insane.

I finally registered for my 100 miler.

Holy crap.

September 14, 2013. Pine to Palm 100 miles from Williams Oregon to Ashland Oregon.

I couldn't even run more than 15 miles last Sunday. I'm so stoked.

And I'm half scared and half laughing right now (more like I'm in a straight jacket sort of way.) I've got a good 8-9 months to train which is my only peace of mind at this point, but I'm in such a bad place right now that I'm worried my demons will come back to haunt me and my confidence will be detonated by 15 kiloton of TNT. (Sidebar: Here's where I admit that my kids play Mindcraft... you know... creepers and zombies and lots of explosives...and yes... I used that geeky reference to 15 kiloton which is equivalent to 15,000 blocks arranged in a 25x25x25 cube in the game. Those boys get their geekiness from their mama.)

Shit. I'm so fucked.

At any rate, I pulled the trigger. I'm committed now so I will do everything I can to be on the starting line next September and complete the damn thing. Eventually, I'll get over my funk and get back to the fiyah. I hope.

In the meantime, I've got to do some giveaways soon.

My Zaps Tees were popular enough this holiday season to earn me enough money for another FREE SHIRT GIVEAWAY! I guess I better start designing.

Super cool Hoo-rag Buff.

I also mentioned before that I intend to do a Hoo-rag giveaway here on my blog because the dudes at Hoo-rag were super cool and hooked me up. I love their product whether it be for running, skiing, riding or snot wiping. I forgot to bring and extra along on last weekend's run. I could have used it!

So I plan to share the Hoo-rag love with ya'll in an upcoming post. I gotta get my act together first, but keep checking back. I should be doing this giveaway within the next couple weeks.

And because the Hoo-rag is such a versatile product I plan on sharing a few ways they can be used so if you have any interesting ways you've used the buff before feel free to share it in a comment and I will try to include those ideas in the upcoming post.

Hope you guys had a better holiday than I did. Someone had to.

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Hoo-rag ear warmer and another one of
my crazy ideas.

It seems I've been a bit MIA lately.As much as I wish my silence were imbued with the confidence of scheming to take over the world ...mmwhahahaha!... um... it's not. Not even close. Sadly, I've been dealing with emotional withdrawal and some pretty heavy personal stuff which I hope I have the guts to write about on here someday. On top of that, my active blogging agenda has been temporarily hijacked by accounting for our small business - the boring year end taxes, 1099s, balancing, and software updates. Not much to be inspired by. Oh well. At least I got a few good runs in. One of those was all about the fiyah and the other was all about the beer. Well... OK. So technically they were both about the fiyah so things are looking up in that department.

(BTW- if you're wondering what I'm holding in my hand in that pic to the right I'll reveal it at the end of this post.)

Now, do you remember me mentioning a giveaway?

Well, I did. And its here so prepare yourselves.

Awwwyeah.

Cocoa Bloomz Hoo-rag

I ordered a Hoo-rag seamless bandana back in November (remember my Favorite Things for Running post? I wear the "buff" to carry my phone when I run. Its the same concept.) After waiting several weeks with no visit from brown Santa (that's what we call the UPS guy around here. Btw - the UPS dude here lets the kids deliver the packages. How's that for a little subcontracted child labor? The kids love it because they get to climb up in the truck and the UPS dude loves it cuz... well he doesn't have to get out. Smart man.)

Oh I love my tangents... carrying on...

I finally contacted Hoo-rag via email to find out what was up with my delivery.

Tarpon Tango Hoo-rag

Then I ended up talking to Doug on the phone for about an hour. Not because I was pissed or he couldn't help me, but because dude was really cool. I asked him about the business, how it was going, talked to him about the designs and some of their latest stuff. They had just completed some motorcycle inspired designs and were in the process of releasing the new bandanas.

I just really loved talking to the guy. He was totally chill and pretty chatty. Even though I had only ordered one Hoo-rag Doug told me he would send me any three that I wanted as an apology for messing up my order. Nice! So he totally hooked me up. That's some seriously awesome customer service.

In addition I told him I was a blogger and was trying to find a product giveaway that I could genuinely get behind - you know, something that I really use and would recommend and would WANT you to have. So he offered to send me a handful of hoo-rags to give away.

Hence the point of this post. So... I intend to do this in three separate giveaways since they gave me three different colors: Pink/White, Blue/White, and Black/White.

Hoo-rag Bandana Giveaway Colors

The cool thing about these bandanas is that they can be used in endless ways. I prefer to use them around my waist to carry my phone, keys, gloves, or small flashlight while I run. I've sprinted with my phone in the back of one of these and never once lost it. I do it all the time. But, I've also used them to carry my Luna Sandals once on a barefoot run, wore it around my head as an ear warmer and have wrapped it around my hand to use as a snot-wiper. I know. Gross. But, when you're just as inept at snot rockets as you are at jumping rope without hitting your head you need backup. Just sayin'.

Hoor-rag running snot rag

My friend, Jesse Scott wore one of these bandana buffs filled with ice around his neck for the Tahoe Rim 100 miler during the heat of the afternoon. It held the ice nicely and kept Jesse cool for quite some time.

So you see, these little badass bandanas are super duper versatile. You really should have one.

No really. I insist. *grin*

(I will be giving these away two at a time so that means I will pick TWO lucky winners for each giveaway.)

This Hoo-rag giveaway will be for the Blue/White Bandana.

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So here are the rules if you want in on the action to win a Blue/White Hoo-rag bandana...

1) Go like Hoo-rag on Facebook.

2) Go like KMCREATIVE on Facebook. Hey. Support your small business dreamers (me) who give their souls, their first born, and practically all our earnings to the government.

3) Come back here and leave a comment. Any random comment. I don't care. Talk about what you had for breakfast, the state of the economy in China, or how great sex was last night. Bore me or entertain me. Either way you will have officially entered my giveaway.

4) If you win a Hoo-rag, you don't get to enter again to win another. Sorry.

That's it! Then check back here for the winners which I will pick on Sunday, February 3rd.
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And if you read through all that and you're still curious what I was holding in that first pic, then I'm impressed I was able to keep your attention for this long. Ha!

A cold 23 degree early 10 miler up in the foothills required that I come up with a handy-dandy way to keep my circulation-challenged toes warm (I think I may possibly have Reynaud's). My ski boot toe warmers were the perfect solution, but I didn't want to wear them inside my Merrell Pace Gloves so...

I wore them on top!

It wasn't pretty, but it worked! At least for the first mile or so when one of them fell off. But I was able to stay un-numb until my body had a chance to warm up so I was a happy girl. My friends thought I was a little weird. I thought they looked like maxi pads and laughed at myself. But you can't argue with success no matter what it looks like.

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Alrighty then, Random.org selected a couple winners for my latest Hoo-rag giveaway today! Congratulations, Stefanie Greenhaw and Jonathan Wilkinson! You guys have both won a blue/white Hoo-rag. Please get in touch with me at zapmamak[at]gmail.com so that I can get your contact information and send these out to you!

If you didn't win this time, I will be holding a couple more giveaways in the upcoming weeks so keep your eyes peeled.

Have a great Super Bowl weekend!
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Domestic slave for hire. I work for wine.

I've been a bit of a domestic goddess lately. Yup. A regular Martha fucking Stewart. Ok. Maybe not so much Martha. Maybe more slave, but at least I have some Sriracha spicy kale chips, a refrigerated container of cooked chipotle chicken pieces, a frozen batch of gluten-free homemade chocolate chip cookies, and a perfectly seasoned and conditioned cast iron pan to prove it. I don't know why I've been feeling so compelled to bake and cook lately. It seems to happen every winter. I'm thinking I need a twelve-step program for this or at least be featured on one of those stupid "My Strange Addiction" shows.

But, between my extra-curricular training/baking extravaganza and getting back into work (I've been busy launching a completely new identity for our business as well as working on The Ranch Athletic's website for my coach's soon-to-be-open gym) I've had little time for anything else.

I'm pooped.

So I'm taking a few days off of workovers and runs to recover from some of this fatigue I've been feeling and to give my foot a few days to heal.

"Foot?" You say?

Yes. Foot.

Funny. Last Thursday, I did six 100 meter sprints at what felt like a hundred miles faster than I've ever run them before and felt fine. No problems. No issues. Even my hips are starting to open up and become more mobile due to some new spots I'm targeting along my adductors... but when I picked up my kid at school on Friday and squatted down to tie his shoes I got this shooting pain in my right forefoot at the joint of my big toe. SERIOUS shooting pain. I had to walk on the outside of my foot after that and be careful not to flex my toes too much. I noticed a little bit of swelling after that, but today (Saturday) it feels much better.

So I've decided to stay off of it for a few days and give my body a little rest but still do my mobility stuff which, by the way, has been amazing lately.

I've discovered my inner thigh adductors. Well, I didn't just discover them. I knew they existed all along, but I didn't know what they were called. These muscles always felt super tight no matter what kind of stretching I did. Every time I did a squat I would fall back and would have to hold on to something to stay upright. What I discovered is once I started rolling the shit out of these muscles with my foam roller and lacrosse ball my squat started getting easier. Even running sprints felt better. I no longer felt like I was about to trip over myself like the girl in the video below.

Yeah. My husband posted that video to my Facebook wall mentioning that it reminded him of me. He knows me well. Not only do I look like that, but I think this video loopis infinitely funny to watch over and over again. What can I say? I'm a sucker for slapstick. And if it reminds me of myself, then its even funnier.

So these inner thigh muscles were pretty tender to start out, but I've been working on them for almost a month now and I've noticed a huge difference with the way I squat, sprint and even walk.

My mobility routine seems to be working well for me. I get up at 5:10am to roll the Longus, Brevis, and Gracillis adductors then work on my hips and glutes. After that I'll do a 2-3 minute squat and then work on some yoga stretches and a few more air squats. Then, if time allows, I meditate for about 15-30 minutes. Its a quiet routine, but I really like the peace of the early morning to do those things. Its the only time I have solely to myself.

My homemade Butternut Squash Fries

Oh wait. That was the timer. My batch of seasoned butternut squash fries must be done. Oh fuck yes!!

Excuse me...

Nom. Nom. Chomp. Chomp...

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Chocolate covered women. Need I say more?

So it seems my cooking compulsion is over. I think the Netflix marathon of "Freaky Eaters" is what killed it, but it's left me with this urge to dunk my naked body in a pool of cornstarch and water. Is that wrong? Seriously. That's one thing I need to do before I die. But if I can't do that maybe I would settle for chocolate. Yeah. I think I could do that.

So I was able to get a lunch run in with my old trail running group last week which is now my new trail running group because I think I'm now completely BACK! And with extra fiyah to boot! I'm running faster, and stronger now and can totally keep up. I use to be a back of the packer, but I'm edging my way to the front now. It sure feels good to run with people again.

And pretty soon I will be training in a gym with people too. Ok. So I train in a gym with people now, but I don't know most of the people there and I generally don't talk to them - unless they're rocking some cool socks - and I certainly don't compete with those people - unless you count the dude who got on the other rower at the same time I did and said to me "Wanna race?"

I was like, "Dude. I'm only doing a warmup and I've got a hefty workover to do after this."

But what I really wanted to say was "Dude. Careful there. You don't REALLY want me to kick your ass with my warmup, do you?"

That might sound arrogant (which is amazing that I've gotten to this point considering all the doubts in my head all my life), but I seriously didn't want to crush the dude's masculinity or embarrass him. What the fuck was that about?? Now I think back to that moment and think to myself... hell yeah I should have taken that boy on and kicked his ass!! Yeah. At the very least it would have been a good challenge. He looked pretty fit... like he could kick MY ass.

But I didn't take the bait.

That's OK. I have plenty of opportunity ahead of me. My coach is getting really close to opening his gym and to be honest I'm a little nervous. Super excited, but nervous. My training won't be in a vacuum anymore. I will be competing with others and will probably be competing with guys who are younger, bigger and more fit than me. Don't get me wrong. This is all good, because it will make me work that much harder and force me to push my limits which I will admit, I sometimes don't do when I'm on my own.

For instance, I did 10 rounds of a 500 meter row, 5 pullups and a 30 second plank the other day and when I was done I was thinking to myself... I could have pushed myself harder. Damn.

This is what I SHOULD have looked like post workover. Minus those shorts.

So I will be doing all my training at The Ranch REALLY soon. Probably with things like sleds, chains, tires and Gods know what other kind of sadistic torture devices I will be subjected to. But the one good thing about The Ranch is that their focus is to train their athletes to SAFELY do each movement and if there's any risk of injury they will probably either ask me to back off or substitute the movement completely until I can perform it with good form. They will even be offering a Fundamentals Program (Fitness Bootcamp) which will prepare people for the other Strength and Endurance programs (or just get their asses into shape if that's their goal). I have a feeling I will probably need a fundamentals class for stuff like...um... jumping rope. No kidding. I still can't jumprope without hurting myself. [SIDE NOTE: I really need to do a video of my ineptness. I think it could rival the running chick video in my last post.]

I'm also looking forward to doing some of their "flow" work (which is kinda like yoga and supposedly a lot of fun) and from what I understand it will be integrated into their warmups and cooldowns and help with mobility and flexibility.

The Ranch Athletics Tees

So I'm helping them prepare for their opening and getting their logo (designed by me) onto shirts that they will be giving away soon, probably as part of their opening celebrations.

So the countdown begins...

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The Love Your Petals Project - The beauty of the Vulva

Yes. That's a vagina poster. Probably not something you would be willing to frame and showcase under gallery lighting in your home, but it has an irreverent beauty to it. Don't you think?

Speaking of vaginal beauty, I know this little bit of advice might come across as slightly unothodox and a little unfavorable to most women, but I'm just going to put this out there:

Ladies... embrace the camel toe.

It happens. Especially while running or at the gym. Everybody knows it happens. It happens to all of us at some point and for me it happens almost all the time – even in the most comfiest of gymwear.

Even hot athletes suffer camel toe.

If you're in the middle of a circuit that includes running or anything like mountain climbers, groiners, jumping jacks, box step-ups, lunges, squats or basically any movement that requires you to separate your legs I guarantee that at some point you will feel an uncontrollable desire to yank your pants out of your crotch crack. And as if that deep floss feeling isn't uncomfortable enough, the problem is exacerbated with sweating and can create a whole "front-to-back" wedgie if you don't take matters into your own hands.

Yeah. I get it. Literally.

It's not exactly a feeling that is easily "embraced" but I've learned to come to terms with this over the past few years. Some might suggest the choice of underwear is to blame for the propensity for camel toe, but I refuse to believe that wearing full coverage underwear would be more comfortable than a thong while running or working out. So in my personal defense of the thong, I'm ok with the floss-like feeling and would rather suffer exposing the outline of my womanly parts than to have to succumb to wearing an extra layer of suffocating fabric beneath my workout clothes while I'm doing an intense, sweaty circuit.

"Moose Knuckle" - Male Camel Toe

Ladies, I think its time we get over it. We're women. Everyone knows we're women and women have labia. Just like every man has a different size and shaped penis – hey... we aren't the only ones who have to worry about showing our goods to the world while we are engaged in sport – the labia are unique in size and shape to every woman and unless you've ever googled a "blue waffle" (WARNING: Google that shit at your own risk and don't even THINK about saying I didn't warn you) the vulva is actually a surreptitiously beautiful part of a woman's genitalia.

Honestly, what's the big deal about camel toe, anyway? Heaven forbid others see hints of our bodies that make us uniquely women. Really? Why are we so ashamed of this? Are we ashamed when people look at the shape of our breasts when we wear a t-shirt or what our butt looks like in jeans? HELLS NO! In fact, as women, we often wear clothing that accentuates those "assets" if we have them. Am I not right?

OK. I know... embracing the camel toe is a little like trying to be enthusiastic about finding a pube in your pasta. (Yeah. I went there. Sorry.) Its a little unsettling, but, I think its time we become less self-conscious about our bodies. Shame exposes itself in what we are afraid to reveal to others.It takes away a part of who we are. It deadens it and denies our value. So how do we take back the the things we are ashamed of and make them healthy and beautiful again? Well, without going as far as public nudity (which I highly recommend as a way of getting over body issues) I say we just embrace that which we can't control. In this case – the camel toe.I don't want to be ashamed of my body. I'm a beautiful, wondrous and remarkable human being... sometimes, with camel toe.
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From some obscure SEO ranking website.

WARNING: This blog is "Unsafe."Please read with responsibility and at your own risk. You should never attempt anything you read on this blog without the supervision and guidance of a trained professional including: barefoot running, trail running, foam rolling, masturbating, jump roping, snot-rocketing, peeing while standing up, pole dancing, running on a treadmill, doing more than 100 sit-ups while wearing a thong panty, stretching, drinking, pull-ups or breathing. These activities could result in serious harm and injury and no... I'm not a trained professional so don't even ask.

But you already knew that.

So apparently my blog is "unsafe." Probably because it contains the word "naked" in it. Ok. I'll own that. Its probably also unsafe because I talk about my vagina, post pictures of naked people and drop the f-bomb every now and then. OK. I'll own that too. And I'm guessing there aren't a whole lot of "safe" blogs with whole posts devoted to the subject of masturbation injury or running orgasms. Alrighty then. I concede. I'm an "unsafe blogger." I have put you and countless other readers at risk and I apologize for that. I hope you will forgive me.

But, since we're on the subject of unsafe, there are other things that are more unsafe than my blog. Like...

...running with these people...

or beverages containing 11% or more ABV...

or this stuff...

or fighting with food sticks. Someone could get their eye poked out...

and most definitely these.

Those are a new pair of Saucony Peregrine 2s. Sexy, huh? At least they didn't sport the Easter egg pastel pink that all the other women's shoes had. I nearly retched trying some of those on. Seriously ladies. Do we really like pink THAT much? Is it necessary to have pristine white and pink shoes? Really? For the trail? Come on. Any shoe that I'm going to wear is going to get mucked over, sweated in, and roughed up. Wearing a pair of white and pink shoes to run trails in is like Girls Night Out. You get all glammed out for the big night only to have three or four drinks spilled on you, your fake eyelashes partially sweated off and that adorable skirt torn at the hem from tripping over that "crack" in the sidewalk that you didn't see while hailing a cab because you were completely shit-faced at 1am in the morning. Seriously. Sometimes I wonder why we bother to get all pretty in the first place. Let's be honest, we're not fooling anyone with our "sexiness" at 1am in the morning. We might as well just dress for the occasion. Track pants and a t-shirt would be more appropriate don't you think? And dump those heels and just go barefoot cuz that's usually the state of shoddedness we're in by the end of the night anyway.

Whew. I didn't see that one coming. Sorry about that.

Back to shoes...

I'm giving those Saucony's the good ol' college try. I've only ran in them a handful of times and can honestly say that moving up in shoes is going to be another "transition" for me. I have been running uber minimal for the last three years (barefoot, huaraches, or my Merrells) and my feet are just not used to running in platform heels. Well, that's what any cushioned shoe seems to feel like at this point.

I took the Peregrines out for a spin the other day. Ran for 5.2 miles at 90% effort. I gotta say, I wasn't so sure about them. I'm still not sure about them. They felt heavy, clumsy and well... totally unsafe. But I've never been completely sold on a shoe after just two or three runs in them. It usually takes me a few runs to get my bearings in a pair of shoes so I'm still open to whatever result they may give me.

And it looks like I may be able to do a comparison of my brand spankin new Sauconys with Merrell's Mix Master, Bare Access 2 and the new Pace Glove 2, which was TOTALLY unexpected. The kind folks at Merrell offered to hook me up with some of their more substantial options to try out. I'm glad they are still willing to be associated with me, cuz I know I can be a little questionable at times.

So it looks like I'll be planning lots of trail running try-outs in the near future. Hopefully of the safe kind.

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Frozen Chocolate Chippers
don't last long in our house.

Some readers of my blog may already know I tried the Paleo Diet a couple years ago (if ya'll are still reading my blog, cuz honestly I hear crickets around here these days - but they're cute little chirpy crickets so I'll write with their background noise any day and just pretend people read whatever the fuck I write about.)

So yeah... I tried the Paleo Diet a couple years back and for the most part it kinda stuck. I suspect that like most diets (I don't have any other diet to compare it to) it was a bit of a struggle in the beginning but it allowed me to try a new way of eating and adopt some new habits and behaviors. I say that I stuck with it "for the most part" because I wouldn't consider myself strict Paleo. I never gave up alcohol, I enjoy a smudge of butter on my paleo pancakes, and chocolate is still my nemesis. You might also catch me on a rare occasion eating a bagel and egg sandwich or a steaming bowl of chili and I often throw in the proverbial Paleo towel before long races for the sole purpose of loading my body up on fuel. But for 80-90% of the time I generally avoid bread, pasta, cereals, grains, cheese, corn, beans and even milk. I was such a milk whore before trying Paleo and I've stunned myself that I've managed to drop the habit. Instead of drinking 3-4 glasses a day I have a small pour in my coffee most mornings.

Over the last couple years I've been scouring the web for some killer paleo recipes. I don't know why it was so hard to find gluten-free substitute recipes in the beginning, but after getting a good grasp of the paleo cooking "basics" I was able to start experimenting on my own. My cooking and baking quickly turned into a bit of an obsession (I briefly wrote abut it here). I refer to it as my OCCD (Obsessive Compulsive Cooking Disorder). Better that than crack, right?

The one thing I've discovered about most paleo and gluten free recipes is how simplistic they are. Paleo and gluten-free recipes have few ingredients, but its the WAY those ingredients are used that makes the difference. For instance, the difference between a heavy bready pancake and a lighter, crispy waffle is in how you use the eggs. The pancakes call for two beaten eggs and the waffle uses egg white whipped with a frenzy.

Paleo or not, here's my advice if you wanna make cookies like grandma used to. Chuck that electric mixer out the window, ladies. Our great frontier ancestors never used a mixer, milked their own cows and carried 50 fucking pounds of hay daily. Those women were core and probably in better shape than some of us AND their cookies were devine. Why? No other cookie compares to a cookie whose batter was mixed with an old fashioned wooden spoon or whisk. The texture of the cookies is WAY better, but you have to pick the recipe carefully. In my cooking observations I've found that recipes like the Real Deal Chocolate Chippers below utilize honey (or some other viscous ingredient) that aids in creaming those first ingredients by hand the best. I'm not a fan of a truckload of sugar in my cookies so I've experimented with reducing the amount of honey and found that as long as there's just enough to help emulsify and combine the other ingredients you're good. During my pre-paleo days I would have added vegetable oil to do this, but I find honey works just as well (applesauce...not so much) AND you get a great upper body workout. Get a big ass bowl, place it in your lap and do 10 reps (stirs) with each hand. Feel the burn. Boom. That's your arm WOD for the day. Then get busy baking.

Here's a small collection of my favorite recipes:

Paleo Lasagna - This recipe is a bit time consuming and has parmasan cheese in it which can be left out, but it is WAY better than the old boring frozen lasagna we used to have from time to time. I'm considering using less parmasan in the bechamel topping and substituting with almond flour.

The best Eggs Benedict and Waffle Recipe by far - I will often make the waffles and freeze them, then pop them in the toaster and eat them with berries or eggs and veggies for breakfast. You can also experiment with the waffles adding your own savory mixes if you like.

Paleo Tacos - One of the first recipes I tried and even the kids loved it. They loved it so much they prefer to eat tacos with hearts of romaine now. How's that for success?

Bacon Wrapped Dates - only one of the best appetizers I've ever tried and another kid favorite! A little time consuming, though. Leave out the almonds to save time.

Puerto Rican Beef- Another easy recipe that can be used countless of ways for leftovers. In paleo burritos (check out this paleo Tortilla recipe) or a breakfast omelette with some fresh avacado. YUM! I like to serve it on top of cooked butternut squash that has just a smidge of coconut sugar and (if you wanna get real naughty) add some butter mixed in.

The Perfect Paleo Biscuit - I've been eating Paleo long enough that I crave something... well... biscuity every now and then. The saddest thing about this recipe is it doesn't quite yield enough biscuits. I prefer to bake them in muffin tins, freeze them, and then eat them for breakfast or lunch with grilled onions, bacon, avacado and a little salsa.

Sauteed Cauliflower - I've never been a huge fan of cauliflower, but after it kept showing up in my CSA box I had to find some way to eat it. I was SUPER delighted with this recipe and I feel a kindred spirit with the bloggers. I subscribed to those mother fuckers quicker than a video porn addict with free unlimited high speed web access.

Real Deal Chocolate Chip Recipe - Ok. I will admit to using raw sugar instead of coconut sugar and butter instead of coconut oil, but this recipe has been the closest I've been able to find to my pre-paleo cookie craving. I used to have a staple recipe I would bake and freeze on a regular basis to put in the kids' lunches and have for dessert. Lately I've experimented with doubling this recipe and reducing the amount of sugar.

Gingerbread- I love gingerbread, but I like it only mildly sweet and I found this recipe is perfect for the holidays and my tastebuds.

Here's a few of my own recipes:

Dinosaur Kale with Creamy Avacado Dressing
Cut a nicely ripened avacado in half and scoop the fresh avacado meat intoa bowl with your lettuce. Drizzle with a little fresh lemon juice, cracked pepper and sea salt. Mash the avacado into the lettuce driving and smearing it in. Then toss in onions, peppers, pepitas and roasted coconut. I like to make this salad using Lacinato Kale (or dinosaur Kale) and will sometimes add hard-boiled egg, chicken, or sausage to it.

Homemade Dijon Marinade and Dressing
Forgive me, I don't measure so you may have to adjust the measurements to your taste:
• 2-3 TBLS Olive Oil
• Half a lemon freshly squeezed
• 1 TSP Dijon mustard
• Sea Salt and Pepper to taste
• 1 TSP cumin
• 1 TBLS Coconut sugar

Whisk ingredients together and adjust for taste. I usually use this with chicken and raw veggies like beets, carrots, onions and mushrooms, but I have used it as a marinade for baked Salmon as well. My kids love it. It also makes a great dressing for broccoli salad.

Paleo Pumpkin Protein Pancakes
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 CUP almond butter
• 1/2 CUP applesauce
• 1 scoop SFH Pure Whey Protein
• 1/4 CUP Canned or fresh pumpkin pureé
• 1 TSP cinnamon
• 1 TSP pumpkin pie spice

Mix well and cook on medium high like regular pancakes.

So there you go... Hope you find something new to add to your cooking repertoire regardless of whether you're gluten-free or not. Enjoy!!
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Beyoncé would totally rock the Hoo-rag!

Alrighty then... are you ready for another Hoo-rag giveaway? Cuz I need a little favor to ask and I'm hoping ya'll will kindly oblige.

You see... I'm getting ready for the upcoming Born To Run Ultramarathon in May. This year, unlike last year, I intend to experience the flavor of the event a bit more. You know - only run 31 miles instead of 62, hang by the bonfire, listen to some cool music, hoola hoop, maybe do a little salsa dancing and possibly sell some Zaps Threads shirts. Yup. That is, if I get my shit together.

I have a special design that I want to do and sorta "showcase" at the event. It won't be sold or printed through Spreadshirt (although I will add it to the shop after the race.) I will be printing this design - along with maybe three others - through a badass screen printer on some quality ringspun shirts. This is a design that I want to really speak to the ultra runner in all of us no matter how far we run whether its stupid miles or just five or ten. I want the design to be sorta "tattoo" in nature, but on a shirt. I can't go into a whole lotta detail because for one, I have no idea what its going to look like since I design organically. Seriously. It just happens. Usually with a bit of wine or beer or sometimes even whiskey. Its kinda like when Beyoncé gets all possessed by Sasha Fierce and she goes all crazy-sexy-bitch on everyone and you go... who the fuck is that? Yeah. That's kinda what happens with me except without all the goatheads, satanic symbols, boobage and shit. I just sit at my boring computer with the music blaring super loud and design. There's no stage - just an office chair. And I'm usually in my jam jams.

So this design is going to be a bit of a surprise and revealed at the Born To Run Ultra and I'm not sure that anyone who reads this blog will even be there (which is why I will eventually post about it). And I'm not sure that anyone is even going to buy my shirts, but I thought it might be kinda fun to "vend" and really participate in the communal artsy aspects of the race since its a bit like a mini village for that weekend.

So back to the favor from you. Oh... and the giveaway.

What I need from YOU, is your opinion on some Zaps Threads designs. I want to know which designs you would actually wear and buy if you were to happen to see me at the Born To Run Ultramarathon selling shirts.

Cuz, really... I have no clue what ya'll like. I just design shit and sell it. If you like it, you like it - if you don't, then I don't really give a shit. But I will give a shit if I see you in person and you say "hey... Zap, what about designing a shirt like... (insert your totally fucked up crazy idea here)," cuz I'm really a very down-to-earth girl once you get to know me and despite what it seems I do actually care a lot about people. In fact, I LOVE people. Even the crazy ones. In fact, the crazy ones totally make life worth living cuz I make up all sorts of shit about them in my head.

But I'm getting derailed from my original thought here.

So I'm setting up a poll on my Zaps Threads Facebook page and I am asking you to pick your favorite designs. In return for the favor I will enter you into another giveaway to win another Hoo-rag. This time its for the Black and White Hoo-rag and I will pick TWO LUCKY WINNERS.

Hoo-Rags

People. These things are the BEST EVER RUNNING BELT!!!!... and snot wiper, and face warmer, and hair tamer, and whatever the fuck idea you can come up with that incorporates this cool stretchy piece of killer designed fabric. Some of my local running buds are starting to catch on to this great little trend of wearing The Hoo-rag and totally agree with me.

Hoo-Rag Best Ever Running Belt

So below are the designs I will ask you about in the poll. You get to pick your favorite. If you don't have a favorite then pick a fucking design anyway for pete's sake. Just don't leave my Zaps Threads Facebook Page without taking the goddam poll. *smile* I NEED YOU.

So here are the "official" rules and pics of the shirts:
1) Go like Hoo-rag on Facebook (if you haven't already).

2) Go take my poll on Zaps Threads Facebook page.

3) Come back here and leave a comment and tell me what your favorite color t-shirt is.

4) If you win a Hoo-rag, you don't get to enter again to win another. Sorry.

That's it! Then check back here for the winners which I will pick on Saturday March 16th. Good luck!

Here are the designs I need you to vote on over at my Zaps Threads Facebook Page:


Zaps Threads Hill Killer Tee

Zaps Threads Zombie Pacer Tee

Zaps Threads Original Barefoot Runner Tee

Zaps Threads Dirt Diva Tee

Zaps Threads Fiyah! Tee

Zaps Threads Fiyah Flower Tee

Zaps Threads Trail Bruiser Tee

Zaps Threads Run Dirt Tee

Go vote!

Alrighty then... did you win a black/white Hoo-rag? If you are comments number 3 and 7 the answer is YES! So Jeff and Scott you'll need to contact me soon at zapmamak[at]gmail.com to claim your prize!

Thank you to everyone who participated in my little poll on my Zaps Threads designs. Even a little bit of feedback helps and is very much appreciated. It looks like the Original Barefoot Runner Tee Design won favorite design with the Zombie Pacer Tee coming in second. I'm also currently working on a new design and will have it for sale at the Born To Run Ultra (that's my plan anyway) and will have another Zaps Threads Tshirt giveaway shortly after the race in May which will include that design as well so stay tuned.

So life is busy right now... here's the clif notes version:

Not only am I currently training for my hundred miler, but I'm getting ready to pace/crew a friend for her first hundo in April. My friend Maggie is running the Zion 100 in Utah on April 19. HOLY CRAP that race gonna be beautiful!!! So me and three other girls are currently prepping for an exciting adventure of road tripping, running, hot springs, running, running, crewing, not sleeping, running, and finally celebrating (it's more than just a hundo it's Maggie's birthday).

So this little adventure is very spontaneous - as of 10am this morning Maggie still has yet to register -but there are still spots left and we are starting to threaten her because we all KNOW she can do this and she KNOWS she can do it. Its going to be an epic race for her - its her birthday for pete's sake - and what an epic way to celebrate! I don't think she'll regret it for one second.

In the meantime, in addition to working on my new design for BTR, I'll be working on our running shirts/crew shirts for Maggie's race - DirtyGirlZ100 which will be a ton of fun to design. I'm also preparing to run an all nighter training run along a portion of the Western States route this coming Friday night with Maggie and some other Folsom Trail Runners who are getting ready to run the Western States 100 in June. The plan is to simulate sleep deprivation and running, watch the sunrise and do pancakes after. These runs (which are few and far between for me) will give me some more experience with stupid miles at night and allow me the opportunity to try out some of my new shoes like my Merrell Mix Masters (which Merrell was awesome enough to send to me to try out!! Yippee!) - AND which I like much better than the Saucony Peregrine 2s so far. I've only ran a few miles at a time in the Merrell's so Friday's run will give me an even better idea of how my feet will fair. It will be my first LONG run in a padded shoe with a 4mm drop. All my 50ks and beyond have been done in my Merrell Pace Gloves which are zero drop and almost no padding. I'm curious to see how I feel afterward. I almost can't wait. Let the experiment begin!
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The Ranch Athletics - My new sanctuary.

If you're wondering why I've been MIA lately its because life has kinda sucked. Literally. I feel like I've been sucked into a spiraling abyss of work with the Quick Quack Car Wash duck at the center of it - spinning like in those old Twilight Zone movies. Then just when I seem to crawl out of that space I get sucked into another hole with HTML/CSS/JS/ fucking numbers, slashes and code everywhere and when I finally surface the sun is gone or its beer o' clock and time to go to the gym - not for beer (although my coaches know that a couple Loomis Basin Brewery growlers make me very happy), but to work off the stress of work and deadlines and the random call from the principal that my kid just intentionally peed on the floor of the bathroom at school just for giggles. It seems my only sanctuary now has finally arrived.

My ball slam fail. I fell over. My coaches were amused.

The Ranch Athletics.

Yes. They are finally open and they are a full blown, freakin heavy lifting, heavy pulling, get your ass in real shape training and gym facility now.

And, now, I feel like I need them more than ever. My confidence is quickly waning for this looming 100 miler coming up in September. I'm trying to stay positive, but honestly I felt my motivation take a nose dive about two and a half months ago, which scares me. I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not working hard enough. I'm not doing shit. I was the kitty snack at the VERY back of the pack on my all-nighter 20 miler out on the Western States a couple weeks ago. Struggling to climb out of the canyons I was dealing with some phantom quad cramping and a rolled ankle. Oh... and I forgot to bring my hand warmers and ended up with numb fingers halfway through. I also failed to bring extra batteries for my handheld and headlamp. Luckily, one of the other runners was kind enough to give me some hand warmers, and both lights were just enough to get me back out of the canyons in the dark and my new Merrell Mix Masters + new socks worked out great - drying quickly within almost five miles after my stream fail.

I must have been this kitty's snack.

OK. So I was running on no sleep. Literally. I had been awake since 5am and our run didn't start until around midnight that night. I was entitled to a few fails, but really, I had no excuse. Yeah it was some rough elevation from Michigan Bluff to Dardanelles and back up, but I should have been stronger. I should have been STRONGER.I wasn't.

Which is a little disappointing.

Apparently this kitty lost a toenail.
Maybe this kitty runs ultras.

So my plan is to get my ass in gear and step up my training. Transitioning to the new gym has been a bit of an adjustment for me. I'm not quick to latch onto a new routine (well... I'm not quick at anything really) and I feel a bit like the "stupid girl" always coming in last place, not being able to count the reps accurately, failing to figure out how much time I have left on the clock, etc... Despite my complete ineptness so far (I've already whacked my head on the bar in the squat rack) everyone is super supportive and cheers each other on. This gym is everything I hoped it would be and I know I just have to give myself a few weeks to get into the swing of things. I'm feeling really crappy about myself lately and I need to turn my shit around.

I'm hoping that my road trip with the DirtyGirlZ is gonna do just that. I'll be crewing and pacing my friend Maggie for her hundred at the Zion 100 in a couple weeks. This is more of an adventure than a race for all of us and as busy moms we all need this. We met last week to discuss crewing logistics, camping/lodging, planning and do a little pre-race fueling - with wine of course. We've all ordered our team shirts (designed by yours truly of course) and are preparing for our epic adventure. I'm really excited to be able to run the mesas and take in the beauty of Utah. Our drive will be epic in and of itself with 12 hours of non-stop driving to Virgin so we're planning on arriving with an extra day to work out our locked up car-bound muscles.

So the next few weeks are imbued with the busy and not the chill. But hopefully the busy will be of the inspiring sort and when the chill comes I will be very happy to embrace it.

My crewing duties as the official map girl.

I'm packin' and gettin' ready to help my friend Maggie run some stupid miles in the desert of Zion, Virgin Utah. Life is busy right now so this post is going to be el shorto.

I just want to put this out there before I go... I haven't known Maggie for too long now - maybe about eight months - but what I do know of this girl is amazing, inspiring and nothing short of fiyah! If I ever get to be half the runner she is I would be a happy girl.

So I want to wish her luck in her first 100 miler. Honestly, I don't think she even needs it. She's totally got this. Just her fire alone is gonna get her ass across the finish line (not to mention she's hella strong.) And she's already lit up the Zion facebook page with her endearing honesty and trouble-making ways insisting that this race be "officially" measured by the inch to exactly 100 miles or more and nothing less. Yup. That's my girl! She doesn't want to have to explain to people that her hundred miler was actually a measly 99.63 miles just because the website said so. She's a woman of integrity. If she's gonna put a sticker on her car she will have put in the work and ran the miles and nothing less. I have a lot of respect for that. Damn straight. I will support her. And with a celebratory shot of whiskey at the finish line!

Me, Maggie and Kristina

You will do this girl!

But I know she's not just in this thing to say she ran a hundred miles. She's in it to learn about herself and enjoy the journey. I'm lucky to be a small part of this journey with her.

But we all know that sometimes what we expect from a race isn't always what we get, so even if she doesn't get that belt buckle I will have had the heartfelt pleasure of crewing and pacing her. I'm really looking forward to this little road trip. All these girls are awesome! Every single one of them inspires me. I look forward to sharing the experience with them!

Alrighty, girls. I'm packed and ready and got all the maps! Awwwwwyeah... just like Jen said, "Once we step foot in that state, Utah will never be the same."
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DirtyGirlZ100
Charito, Krista, Kristina, Jen & Maggie

PART 1: Because every good story needs to be told in parts.
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If setting up a tent the size of a hotel with 5 minutes to spare before dark with four other crazy, hungry, car fatigued bitches is any indication of how well this crew would work together and get along, then that challenge alone was a great prediction of ultra success. Seriously. We had that thing up in less than five minutes. Okay. That might be an exaggeration but it was definitely a smooth operation. Or at least it was until some random freak blast of a wind lifted up the entire right side and nearly all of us in it too. Oops. I guess we forgot to stake a few corners. But it was all good.

T minus 15 minutes before dark.

Needless to say, my trip out to Virgin, Utah to crew and pace my friend Maggie in her first 100 miler was nothing short of epic good times.

Bam! Tent up!

Now let me back up a little because this running adventure was predefined epic even earlier than our tent raising. In fact, I think it was somewhere in the middle of the Nevada desert, just after Walker Lake (300 miles into our trip. I'm totally guessing here. It must have been at LEAST 300 freakin nowhere miles into the desert) that our ultra shenanigans began. Maggie was jonesin' for a run and couldn't keep her running legs in the car. You could tell that girl was going through some serious withdrawals. She had been scouting trail alongside the freeway for who knows how long before we finally picked a spot near a small peak to pull over. I had no idea the desert could be so cold and windy in the middle of the day. It looked hot and dry from inside our toasty car. Mother nature can be quite deceptive that way.

We pull over. Doors fling open. It looks like we are all about to institute a Chinese fire drill. Everybody's putting on jackets, shoes and buffs to cover their ears. Then we're off to explore "public lands."

But first we gotta get through the gate. Good thing Jen and I have our running minions along to close the technically challenging gate behind us. Really. Why should we do all the work?

Then we were off to run for 20 minutes. Maybe more, but not a minute less. GO!

"Hey Mom! This is where they hide the dead bodies!" This was Charito's joke about this picture. I was totally cracking up. Seriously, Jen looks like she found a dead body.

Is that prehistoric man squatting in the distance?

Nope. Its just a couple crazy bitches licking rocks in the desert.

Seriously. WTF? Shouldn't we be running? Or at least driving?

And THIS is where the theme of the weekend began. I dared Maggie to lick a rock or she dared me, I don't remember exactly. The dirt looked like it had a layer of salt or sulfur or something salty or alkaline or toxic or radioactive (the Nevada desert is known for bomb testing) which had crystallized on top and I wanted to find out what it tasted like. Ok. I'll admit that's weird, but you shouldn't be surprised. So... I said...

"LICK IT!"

And we both did.

It tasted like dirt. Go figure.

From then on "Lickit!" became our signature for this adventure. Because every race needs a good cheer and "Lickit!" was just as good as any cheer. And it seemed fun... and stupid... and a little naughty. Afterall, our team name was the DirtyGirlZ. We even had team tees designed by yours truly, Zap.

Our Team Shirt

"We like our runs Rock Hard and All Night Long"

So we piled back in the car to continue the 12 hour - now 13 hour plus - journey to Utah. Needless to say, we are easily distracted by things like...

Suggestive signage...

Old and creepy cemetaries...

And even creepier motels...
Seriously? Apparently, it was SOMEONE's dream to open a clown motel someday. I'm all on board with the entrepreneurial spirit, but a clown motel? Someone's pipe dreams... apparently, straight from the pipe. Crazy.

And...

Pulling over just to... jump?

And art relics of Burning Man's Past...

...which we couldn't resist making into our own, personal, DirtyGirlZ album cover entitled Tonopah Station. Jen knows how to strike the awkward rocker pose. She's practiced this look before - complete with gang signs. And we laughed at how much of a vandal Maggie was being trying to be sneaky and break into the van on the right side of the picture while the rest of us were "posing." Endless amounts of laughter with tears ensued after this stop.

It was one long ass car trip. No really. My ass complained. In fact, it was so fed up with being stuck in a car for 13 plus hours that it decided to break out of jail just as we pulled into the small town of Beatty before we hit Vegas. So I ended up wearing pants with a big hole in the left ass cheek all weekend. That's right. Cuz ya'll know I like to be classy (and that was my only pair of long pants). Don't worry, I wore a pair of long underwear underneath lest you be blinded by the white flash.

We were feeling pretty cramped and carbound as we crossed theUtah state borderand webreathed a sigh of relief as we pulled into camp around 8:30pm or so, just as the sun was setting. The view of Watchman Peak towering close to 2500 ft above our campsite was stunning. We were all instantly in love with Zion.

DirtyGirlZ100 Epic Adventure Post to be continued... Keep your eyes peeled for MORE good times to come!

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Majority of the photos in this post are courtesy of Charito, Jen, Maggie and Kristina.

Ten Ways To Annoy Me At The Gym

My 100 Miler Decision

Foul Weather Training

Steep Hills and Deep Mud - A Sweeping Adventure

The Devil's Treadmill - 10 Things I Learned

My Pain Training

An Unusual Mommy Blogger Post

The Christmas That Sucked

Blue/White Hoo-rag Bandana Giveaway!

Hoo-rag Giveaway Winners

My Domestic Compulsion

Getting Ready for The Ranch

Shame and Camel Toe

Well... That's Just Unsafe

My OCCD Problem and Recipe Sharing

Another Hoo-Rag Giveaway and Some Flim Flam

Hoo-rag Winners and Update

The Ranch Athletics - My New Sanctuary

Go Maggie! Run yerself some stupid miles, girl!

DirtyGirlZ100 Epic Adventure - Into the Desert PART 1